Tag Archives: Wine

The Kettlebell Experiment: Day 1…technically 2

23 Jan

I bought a deal for 3 personal training sessions and one month of classes at a kettlebell studio…let’s call it out of morbid curiosity. First personal training session was yesterday and lemme tell you: I am in a world of hurt.

In case you don’t know anything about kettlebell workouts, you’re basically lifting one of these beasts:

Kettlebells, certainly a type of medieval torture equipment

…like this:

Standard swing

…and this:

This is called "The Turkish Get-up"...seriously

…and some other ways.

The Good

  • Workouts are only 30 minutes…which is just about as long as my will to workout lasts.
  • Workouts also cover the cardio department…which is my least favorite department.
  • Workouts are done in bare feet…which is my favorite type of feet. (The guy above is doing it ALL wrong.)
  • Apparently, I “have good movement” and “will be easy to teach.” My rigorous workout video training is actually doing some good!
  • The trainer gave me some spicy, toasted pumpkin seeds at the end. Score!

The Bad

  • You guys know my stance on working-out: it’s better done at home. Unfortunately, I’ve gone public with this kettlebell experiment. I don’t mind the personal training part so much but apparently the class sizes are uber-small, which means that everyone there will no doubt be silently laughing at me. (Like they’re going to be concerned with their own workout – pshaw!)
  • At the end of the session when the trainer was trying to teach me the Turkish Get-Up, I could already feel my thighs start to mush-ify.

The Ugly

  • Today. It’s excruciating. Every single muscle in my butt and thighs feels like it has a flesh-eating beetle bored into it.

The worst part is that I thought I was going to be relatively in the clear. I walked home from the studio and thought that in the process I walked-off the sore. I WAS *OH* SO WRONG. On the plus side, only my legs and ass are sore…or at least if other parts are sore, they are so eclipsed by the ass-leg pain that I can’t notice.

I have another personal training session scheduled for next Saturday and I’m planning on taking the Thursday night class. Uff-dah. My plan of action is to drink a lot of wine today and to do my favorite video a few times between now and then to try to work the hurt off.

Namaste bitches!


The Neverending Nutrisystem (ah ah ahhh ah ah ahhh ah ah ahhh….)

29 Dec

That’s a reference to The Neverending Story theme song by the way, in case you were born after the 80s.

Anywho, so I decided to try Nutrisystem this fall. My thinking then:

  • Marie Osmond is a Mormon weirdo, but – hey – she lost 40 pounds! I don’t have to worry about Mormon stuff, so it’ll be even easier for me to lose 40 pounds. (Hey, I drink wine every once and a…well…all the time. It seemed like a legit argument at the time.)
  • Wow – I’ll spend less on food than what I do now!
  • Wow – I won’t have to think about what to cook/eat more than picking a package out of a box!

So now I have 5 kajillion color-coded packages of food-esque substances in a box in my cubicle at work. Like this, but still in the box:

Nutrisystem: the Un-Food

I’m pretty sure these “foods” are made from demo-ed building debris, left-over printer toner and the classic shoe leather. Low-lights include a parmesan pasta that tasted like the liquid version of glue and a turkey hot dog that I was too scared to even take out of the package.

It wasn’t all bad though: the Nutrifolks make fairly decent instant cheesy mashed potatoes and meal bars…but it’s no way to live.

I am continuing to eat these abominations for breakfast and lunch, but I figure I won’t get through the supply until early 2013 or so. I can only hope that we have an earthquake and the people in my office have to eat the Nutricrap to survive. (Bonus: I’ll be a hero. Yayyyyyyy….) Or perhaps I will grind it all up and use it to stucco my walls. Haven’t decided yet.

Namaste bitches!

The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa

16 Jul




And you thought Gilad was bad

Doesn’t Hemalayaa look so kind and inviting here? “Come. Come and dance with us. It will be different than what you’re used to, but it will be fun and relatively easy. Yayyyyyyyyyy.” [shake shake shake] Yeahno.

The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa was a complete disaster…for me. Things I thought I could but now know I cannot do:

  • Shimmy my hips for 50 minutes straight. (It would be pointless and probably not very fun, but I would have guessed that I could do it.)
  • Turn around in a circle and then turn around in a circle the other way, over and over.
  • Shrug my shoulders in time with music.
  • Smile while working out. (We did mouth/face stretches to get ready to smile…seriously.)
  • And finally, I could not do this video a second time. (For the record: I did change into my workout clothes the last 3 evenings in anticipation of doing this workout again but was physically incapable of turning on my DVD player.)

Yes, this video was dumb…and hard…but mostly because it was dumb. Yeah, that’s it: hard ’cause it’s dumb….

60% overall completion. 1 glass of wine imbibed while waiting for a more reasonable section to resume working-out.

What’s more: Hemalayaa doesn’t even narrate her video live while she’s doing the workout like all the other slave drivers, oh no. She dubs in her voice with the instructions! WTF? If you’re not going to┬áhave the common courtesy of talking while working-out, then I’m not going to workout at all. So there.

Namaste bitches!