Tag Archives: Richard Simmons

I need a crush on a dead guy like I need a hole in my head

10 Jan

Yeah you heard me. Crush. Dead guy.

David Carradine.

Yup: old dead guy.

This week’s vid pic is David Carradine’s Chi Energy Workouts for Beginners, and you wanna know what? Carradine doesn’t act like that guy; he is that guy. Let me ask you a question regarding your workouts. Who do you trust more with your body: David Carradine or Richard Simmons? Ah? Ah?

This:

Or this:

That’s what I thought. If someone is going to tell me to “gently close the anal sphincter” (and I swear to god, that’s in there) I want it to be a kung fu master. If someone is going to teach me moves that alleviate digestive problems such as diarrhea (also in there – Tai Pepto?), I want it to be someone who has been fictitiously killed by Uma Thurman.

More on why I love David Carradine fun facts:

  • Do you realize that Carradine was in his 70s when he died? 70s. He looked better than some 40-year-olds I know!
  • Not only was Carradine a kung fu master AND and actor AND a fitness instructor, but he also was an artist, writer and musician…and I’m not just talking about that wood flute thingy. Check this out. In fact, this week’s vid pic includes 4 songs from his album in the special features. I’m listening to them right now, in fact.
  • He wears colorful, satin, kung fu master pajamas while he tai chi-s.

But enough about that.

There are just three things that need to be said about this video today, as there are both tai chi and qui gong workouts on this DVD – I’ll pit them against each other in my next post.

  1. While Carradine’s outfit is rad, the other guys are forced to wear polos and slacks. C’mon!
  2. Is it possible to nap and workout at the same time? …’cause I’m pretty sure I did!
  3. The whole team is standing in front of a giant green screen, and you get to enjoy fabulous nature scenes throughout the entire workout.

Namaste bitches!

Gilad: Elite Forces Fat Burning Workout (Days 2 & 3)

14 Jun

* Please accept this out-of-shape writer’s apologies for combining the post for days 2 and 3 of this vomit-inducing workout; I had to do the funeral/out-of-town guest thing this past weekend.

Day/attempt 2

It's important to stay hydrated!

Blame it on Advil therapy.

Blame it on wine (both pre- and post-workout).

Blame it on my opting-out of between-set “jumping-rope” and things like doing lunges WHILE doing arm weight work (Why, Gilad, why?), but I was feeling more generous towards Gilad after workout 2. I also low-impact-ized the other moves, so day 2s workout was more manageable than day 1. Cheating aside, I completed about 70% of the moves.

Day/attempt 3

I definitely don't have the normal muscle....

Is it possible for muscles to atrophy due to overuse? Because I’m pretty sure I atophied my thigh muscles. Muscle fail. 50% completion. This video should come with some sort of warning sticker. WARNING: MAY CAUSE MUSCLE ATROPHY! Geriatric condition win.

That said, there are some serious issues that need to be addressed:

  • Prior to the workout, the captain of the aircraft carrier gets to say a few words about his ship. Most notably, we weren’t working-out on an aircraft carrier, we were working-out on an “amphibious assault ship.” He did not mention that the assault was going to be on your body.
  • Richard Simmons is to caring about you as Gilad is to: A) wanting to see your kneecap bust out of your leg and knock something expensive and breakable off a shelf while you’re lunging, B) laughing in his sleep over the fact that people buy his torture system with cash money, C) perfectly fine with you feeling inferior to his crew of aliens, or D) all of the above. I’ll give you one guess.
  • This workout is set to crappy techno music. I did mention vomit-inducing above; I wasn’t kidding.
  • Finally, this workout is spliced with shots of other ships and video clips of helicopters and planes taking-off/landing. Because nothing is more motivating than the sheer, terrifying power of the US military.

Consider these areas for improvement, Gilad. Better luck next time.

Gotta admit: I am not sad to see this one go.

Namaste bitches!

Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 (Day 3)

7 Jun

Day 3: Simmons Complete! Barely.

Perhaps it was because I ate dinner right before working-out, or perhaps it was because I was hungover tired after a busy weekend, but I sucked it up tonight. After yesterday’s workout glory, I only did 73% of the moves correctly today. That crazy Simmons just moves too darn quickly!

To be perfectly honest, I am sad to see my new Sweatin’ cast-member friends go.

Over-zealous lady in blue's doppelganger

I will miss you, over-zealous, Rosie-O’Donnell-coiffed lady in blue.

I will miss you, ethnic lady in pink, who got to sing a couple verses of Big Girls Don’t Cry. (Why oh why was this song chosen for this video? That’s just mean.)

I will miss you, worst-Elvis-impersonator-in-the-world “band” member. Your black T, black leather pants and slicked-back blond hair almost had me fooled…almost.

And I think I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow Richard Simmons. I don’t know how you do it, but the way you look into the camera that makes it seem like you’re looking me directly in the eye did not go unnoticed, oh no. Your move where we high-step and slap our knees practically made me shriek with delight. And the way you yell things like “daddy…Daddy…DADDY!” during sexy Fever stretching were not lost on me.

Classic "welcome" arms...and 80s geometric shapes

If I didn’t have something mind-blowing lined-up for you guys, I would sweat to the oldies for a month.

Namaste bitches!

Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 (Day 2)

5 Jun

Day 2. Fade in on my apartment. I pull the blinds closed and turn the volume waaaaaaaay down on my television. I agonize for a moment over not being able to reinforce my hardwood floors so they won’t squeak.

I pop in the Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 DVD and assume the position. Richard still sits at the soda shop bar and plunks his coin into the jukebox, the people still come out of the woodwork to dance with him, but I just realized today that “the band” materializes on the stage with 80s-style electricity animation. This is definitely the most state-of-the-art workout video ever created – Avatar has nothing on Richard Simmons.

How to pick a wedgie without using your hands

While I am happy ashamed to report that I completed 83% of the moves correctly today after having one try under my belt, there are simply some Simmons’ dance moves that I don’t think I will ever master:

  • The Twist: yes, it seems easy enough, but I bet I look like someone trying to correct a wedgie without using their hands. Also, I wasn’t born before 1970.
  • The Fly (like “We’re going to fly now!” per Simmons): the best way I can describe this is as a skip/arm circle with a few steps forward, then a skip/arm circle with a few steps back…enough said.

However, there are also some Simmons’ moves that I have mastered despite my original extreme awkwardness:

  • The Welcome: step out to the side and open your arms up like you’re presenting a banquet table full of food and inviting people to sit-down and have at it. Or, if I had a chocolate factory nature preserve like Willy Wonka, that’s what I’d do when I brought my friends over.
  • The Sizzle: essentially, this is jazz hands, but instead of fluttering your fingers, you flutter your entire hands…start at the top and flutter/sizzle down. Easy peasy; a check-plus on the hand fluttering.
  • The _______: I don’t recall this move having a name, but I’d like to call it “The Fly: For Real.” March in place and pump your arms up and down like you’re pretending to be a bird. Very elementary school-esque. Also a check-plus for yours truly.

I’ll save the rest for later, but for now I’ll tell you the workout wraps-up with the stretch/cool-down to Pretty Woman. The song ends with an assertive “pretty woman,” Simmons yells “YEAH!” and the entire cast disintegrates under their respective spotlights…just like Star Trek.

Namaste bitches!

Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 (Day 1)

4 Jun

Best to start off with the most infamous workout video series of all time: Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 (circa 1990).

Everything you imagined it to be

(I arbitrarily chose volume 2, because that’s where Netflix sent me. Perhaps to do other volumes later?)

I’m not quite sure where to start….

  • Whatever you imaged Sweatin’ to the Oldies as being, it’s probably true.
  • Gay friends: I hope I can get through this without offending…but, it’s Richard Simmons…you know. You know I’m not a hater.
  • Say what you will about Richard Simmons or his video series, but I would kill, not eat cheese for a week, babysit buy someone a drink for legs like that.

Day/attempt 1:

Fade in on Pop’s soda shop. “Live” band on the stage. At the cafe bar: Richard Simmons. He plunks a coin into the jukebox and people come out of the woodwork to dance with him.

We all know Richard lost a lot of weight at some point and then started making videos. Here’s my theory: his workout series is basically filming him at home dancing to music while he’s getting ready in the morning or doing housework…except now he has a theme, and set and people mimicking him. And – again: sorry gay friends – this workout could not be any gayer; Richard chose classics such as:

  • Pretty Woman
  • My Boyfriend’s Back
  • The Loco-Motion
  • Fever
  • and Big Girls Don’t Cry

I mean, c’mon!

Anyway, I stumbled though this. Richard was very friendly and encouraging, but he didn’t provide a lot of direction, so I was left to my own devices when it came to grape-vining and doing the shimmy. I got though it though, probably completing 67% of the steps correctly.

This video is not without merit though: I am a tad sore in the arms and thighs…but just a tad.

I will leave you with one parting fact today: at one point, Richard says “Assume the position!” and gets down on all fours for a back stretch…seriously.

Namaste, bitches!