Tag Archives: Food Baby

Creepiest video yet…and it’s knocked-up!

4 Jan

In honor of my holiday food baby, this week’s vid pic is Miracle of Life: Pregnancy Workout.

Even the cover looks creepy

I have seen some creeeeepy workout videos in my day, but this video takes the creep cake!

I’ll get to the creepiness in a moment, but I need to say one thing first: not only is doing the grapevine, like, the hardest thing ever, but if you throw even one minuscule hand/arm motion in the grapevine mix I am going to end-up looking like this:

Seriously, I do. While Fitness Instructor Gloria and the prego workout minions in this video seem to be able to do such complex choreography without going into labor, I look like the clown in this video. (This is one of many very legit reasons why I do not workout in public.) They should really put some sort of warning on the box about this.

OK! On to Rosemary’s Baby Miracle of Life’s creepiness:

5. There are cartoon storks, teddy bears, etc. that wash the screen into a new segment.

4. This workout includes several sets of Kegel exercises to – and I quote – “help to stop the urine.”

3.The prego workout minions look VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, fake-smile-when-you-meet-your-friends’-parents-as-a-kid uncomfortable. They keep zooming in on their faces, and behind their fake smiles you can see fear. It looks like they are being forced to do the video by some pervert. Fitness Instructor Gloria doesn’t seem to catch on to the fact that everyone is in danger though.

2.The last section of this video is relaxation. This is not yoga-eque meditation, oh no; this is pillows-under-the-head-and-between-the-knees relaxation. While I would normally applaud this sort of “workout,” this relaxation included such things as:

  • Teddy bears and other stuffed animals surrounding the pregos.
  • Fitness Instructor Gloria told us to “Imagine your baby, floating in its own little world.” Ewwww….
  • And so on and so forth.

1. At the end of said relaxation section, they zoom in on Fitness Instructor Gloria’s face. She looks down lovingly at the 2 prego workout minions…first to the left, then to the right…then looks back at the camera. An awkward amount of time passes as she stares at you, and then SHE CRIES REAL TEARS OUT OF BOTH EYES! What?!

Namaste bitches!


Food babies, sumo-suit-itis & other things

28 Dec

Well hey all! How’ve ya been? Me = no excuse for not keeping in touch/not doing toe-touches…but let’s move on, shall we?

Things that I feel like:

  • Perpetual…food…baby….
  • Did I just wash these pants? God I wish I just washed these pants…sooooo tiiiiiiight….
  • Death to second helpings! No: torture and death to second helpings! Nawwww…it was worth it. We good, second helpings…we good…especially you, Ham. But I may need my space for a while here.
  • Is it inappropriate to wear pajama pants to work this week in between Xmas and New Year’s?
  • Sumo-suit-itis is a real thing. I am starting a charity for sumo-suit-itis research this year.

Sumo-suit-itis...a real infliction

Anywho…Sweatband Champion is mobilizing to bring you some fabulous new posts (as soon as I get this week’s vid pic in the mail) so we can share in the misery of the holiday hangover! I’m also planning on adding in a few side features to attempt to do other things healthy people do, including a recap of my fall foray into the world of Nutrisystem. It will no doubt be glorious.

As always, I take video requests (provided I can Netflix them), so lemme have it!

In the meantime, Happy New Year! Maybe I’ll see you on the final-push, 2010 binge circuit….

Namaste bitches!