The Neverending Nutrisystem (ah ah ahhh ah ah ahhh ah ah ahhh….)

29 Dec

That’s a reference to The Neverending Story theme song by the way, in case you were born after the 80s.

Anywho, so I decided to try Nutrisystem this fall. My thinking then:

  • Marie Osmond is a Mormon weirdo, but – hey – she lost 40 pounds! I don’t have to worry about Mormon stuff, so it’ll be even easier for me to lose 40 pounds. (Hey, I drink wine every once and a…well…all the time. It seemed like a legit argument at the time.)
  • Wow – I’ll spend less on food than what I do now!
  • Wow – I won’t have to think about what to cook/eat more than picking a package out of a box!

So now I have 5 kajillion color-coded packages of food-esque substances in a box in my cubicle at work. Like this, but still in the box:

Nutrisystem: the Un-Food

I’m pretty sure these “foods” are made from demo-ed building debris, left-over printer toner and the classic shoe leather. Low-lights include a parmesan pasta that tasted like the liquid version of glue and a turkey hot dog that I was too scared to even take out of the package.

It wasn’t all bad though: the Nutrifolks make fairly decent instant cheesy mashed potatoes and meal bars…but it’s no way to live.

I am continuing to eat these abominations for breakfast and lunch, but I figure I won’t get through the supply until early 2013 or so. I can only hope that we have an earthquake and the people in my office have to eat the Nutricrap to survive. (Bonus: I’ll be a hero. Yayyyyyyy….) Or perhaps I will grind it all up and use it to stucco my walls. Haven’t decided yet.

Namaste bitches!



28 Dec

Sweatband Champion is on Facebook. You know what to do.

Food babies, sumo-suit-itis & other things

28 Dec

Well hey all! How’ve ya been? Me = no excuse for not keeping in touch/not doing toe-touches…but let’s move on, shall we?

Things that I feel like:

  • Perpetual…food…baby….
  • Did I just wash these pants? God I wish I just washed these pants…sooooo tiiiiiiight….
  • Death to second helpings! No: torture and death to second helpings! Nawwww…it was worth it. We good, second helpings…we good…especially you, Ham. But I may need my space for a while here.
  • Is it inappropriate to wear pajama pants to work this week in between Xmas and New Year’s?
  • Sumo-suit-itis is a real thing. I am starting a charity for sumo-suit-itis research this year.

Sumo-suit-itis...a real infliction

Anywho…Sweatband Champion is mobilizing to bring you some fabulous new posts (as soon as I get this week’s vid pic in the mail) so we can share in the misery of the holiday hangover! I’m also planning on adding in a few side features to attempt to do other things healthy people do, including a recap of my fall foray into the world of Nutrisystem. It will no doubt be glorious.

As always, I take video requests (provided I can Netflix them), so lemme have it!

In the meantime, Happy New Year! Maybe I’ll see you on the final-push, 2010 binge circuit….

Namaste bitches!

Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies

22 Aug

I’ve been at this “workout” business for over 2 months. Have you noticed that I’ve been avoiding everyone’s favorite: yoga? Seriously, everyone I know is all like, “I LOVE yoga! I carry my mat around everywhere so [people will notice me] I can do yoga at a moment’s notice! I like how it ‘centers’ me!” You know, that bullshit.

Each time I’ve tried yoga in the past, I felt like I was going to snap in half…yet amazingly bored despite the danger-level.

Well, I decided to stop putting-off the inevitable, so this week’s vid pic is Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies.

Contrary to my usual curmudgeon-ness about this workout crap, I may have actually liked this video…as much as one can like things other than wine, cheese and pajamas.


  • Is that Jennifer Aniston?
  • No dancing
  • Less than an hour
  • Easiest yoga moves that exist
  • And…no dancing


  • Some of the “for Dummies” icons/bits of info were obnoxious. Wait, you just told me to focus on breathing and on the pose, and now you’re interrupting me to tell me things like “yoga poses are named after animals.” Really?!?!?

Me, doing yoga (yes, that's pepperoni)

Get this: the one move that I couldn’t do was the relaxation pose at the end – the one where you lay on your back and breathe. Really. My lower back was all, like, “No relaxin’ for you!” I guess I’ll have to work up to laying on my back…tough stuff.


Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred III

12 Aug

Alright kids, come over here and take a knee.

There is a little thing called…ummm…well it’s called lots of things:

  • Being over-zealous
  • Not following directions
  • Getting ahead of yourself
  • Being cocky

When the coach tells you to wait until you can do workouts 1 and 2 comfortably and successfully prior to moving on to workout 3, you should probably listen to her.

True story: I once knew a girl who hated working-out but thought she was kinda funny, so she decided to write a blog about sucking at working-out. One week, this girl decided to do ALL THREE Jillian Michaels workouts despite Jillian instructing workout-ees to work up to it. Workouts 1 and 2 were completed rather successfully – at least in this girl’s eyes, but workout 3 destroyed her. Yup: her muscles liquified right in the middle of the 8 million planks Jillian made the level-3-ers do. This girl just wasn’t ready yet. I want to make some sort of reference/joke about using the force, but I’m really not that familiar with Star Wars.

This looks force-y

Also, she ate a piece of fudge (a small one) prior to working-out. Probably not the worst thing, but it’s definitely not recommended…even if it is only a small one.

Anyway, you wanna know where that girl is now? Confined to a couch, doomed to watch Two and a Half Men. Is that what you want for yourself? I thought not.

Moral of the story is: coach tells you to do stuff. Maybe you don’t do all the stuff, but definitely don’t do stuff coach tells you not to do.

Ummmmmm…I think that made sense. Read it again, slowly.

Namaste bitches!

Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred II

11 Aug

Me: I have been sooooo sore!

You: How sore were you?

Me: I was so sore….

It was just like this if I were a white cat...and couldn't spell

Despite the awful cat farting episode, my eeeeeevil [pinky-to-mouth maneuver]  intern talked me into doing 30 Day Shred’s second workout today. NR 😉

Today’s workout was more spiritual journey than workout…much like the peote-spiritual-journey-versus-tripping thing. Things I learned:

  • That weird tendon tightness in my one finger gets worse the more downward dog/pushup/plank bullshit I do.
  • Jillian Michaels isn’t that bad. …but I also like dudes who are a little mean.
  • Jillian’s workout minions are actually stick-figures…well-drawn, but stick figures nonetheless.

Jillian's Minions

There is one more workout on the DVD. I will do it, but I run the risk of turning into the workout-as-a-drug version of Ozzy Osbourne.

What? What is that? No file photo? Ugh. Remind me to do an illustration later….

Namaste bitches!

Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred

9 Aug

I love truthful advertising. Not 15 minutes have passed since I completed workout number 1, and I am confident that I have shredded.

“Awesome!” You might say. “A workout with instant results!”

Oh yes, my friend. I have shredded:

  • My quads
  • My butt
  • My shoulders
  • My biceps
  • My abs
  • Whatever that little muscle is in your shin that – when shredded – leads to shin splints
  • And these shorts

Soooo glad 'bitch' isn't available on old, tube TVs

70% success rate. 93% did-someone-just-rub-bacon-grease-on-my-face rate. 100% I-will-be-so-sore-I-can’t-move-enough-to-turn-off-my-alarm-and-will-lie-in-physical-and-auditory-agony-until-either-my-landlord-comes-in-or-my-cat-eats-my-body-for-nourishment rate.

That said, if I am not cat food by tomorrow evening, the plan is to shred again. Should I be saucy and try stage 2?

Namaste bitches!