Archive | August, 2010

Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies

22 Aug

I’ve been at this “workout” business for over 2 months. Have you noticed that I’ve been avoiding everyone’s favorite: yoga? Seriously, everyone I know is all like, “I LOVE yoga! I carry my mat around everywhere so [people will notice me] I can do yoga at a moment’s notice! I like how it ‘centers’ me!” You know, that bullshit.

Each time I’ve tried yoga in the past, I felt like I was going to snap in half…yet amazingly bored despite the danger-level.

Well, I decided to stop putting-off the inevitable, so this week’s vid pic is Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies.

Contrary to my usual curmudgeon-ness about this workout crap, I may have actually liked this video…as much as one can like things other than wine, cheese and pajamas.

Plusses:

  • Is that Jennifer Aniston?
  • No dancing
  • Less than an hour
  • Easiest yoga moves that exist
  • And…no dancing

Minuses:

  • Some of the “for Dummies” icons/bits of info were obnoxious. Wait, you just told me to focus on breathing and on the pose, and now you’re interrupting me to tell me things like “yoga poses are named after animals.” Really?!?!?

Me, doing yoga (yes, that's pepperoni)

Get this: the one move that I couldn’t do was the relaxation pose at the end – the one where you lay on your back and breathe. Really. My lower back was all, like, “No relaxin’ for you!” I guess I’ll have to work up to laying on my back…tough stuff.

NAMASTE BITCHES!

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Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred III

12 Aug

Alright kids, come over here and take a knee.

There is a little thing called…ummm…well it’s called lots of things:

  • Being over-zealous
  • Not following directions
  • Getting ahead of yourself
  • Being cocky

When the coach tells you to wait until you can do workouts 1 and 2 comfortably and successfully prior to moving on to workout 3, you should probably listen to her.

True story: I once knew a girl who hated working-out but thought she was kinda funny, so she decided to write a blog about sucking at working-out. One week, this girl decided to do ALL THREE Jillian Michaels workouts despite Jillian instructing workout-ees to work up to it. Workouts 1 and 2 were completed rather successfully – at least in this girl’s eyes, but workout 3 destroyed her. Yup: her muscles liquified right in the middle of the 8 million planks Jillian made the level-3-ers do. This girl just wasn’t ready yet. I want to make some sort of reference/joke about using the force, but I’m really not that familiar with Star Wars.

This looks force-y

Also, she ate a piece of fudge (a small one) prior to working-out. Probably not the worst thing, but it’s definitely not recommended…even if it is only a small one.

Anyway, you wanna know where that girl is now? Confined to a couch, doomed to watch Two and a Half Men. Is that what you want for yourself? I thought not.

Moral of the story is: coach tells you to do stuff. Maybe you don’t do all the stuff, but definitely don’t do stuff coach tells you not to do.

Ummmmmm…I think that made sense. Read it again, slowly.

Namaste bitches!

Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred II

11 Aug

Me: I have been sooooo sore!

You: How sore were you?

Me: I was so sore….

It was just like this if I were a white cat...and couldn't spell

Despite the awful cat farting episode, my eeeeeevil [pinky-to-mouth maneuver]  intern talked me into doing 30 Day Shred’s second workout today. NR 😉

Today’s workout was more spiritual journey than workout…much like the peote-spiritual-journey-versus-tripping thing. Things I learned:

  • That weird tendon tightness in my one finger gets worse the more downward dog/pushup/plank bullshit I do.
  • Jillian Michaels isn’t that bad. …but I also like dudes who are a little mean.
  • Jillian’s workout minions are actually stick-figures…well-drawn, but stick figures nonetheless.

Jillian's Minions

There is one more workout on the DVD. I will do it, but I run the risk of turning into the workout-as-a-drug version of Ozzy Osbourne.

What? What is that? No file photo? Ugh. Remind me to do an illustration later….

Namaste bitches!

Jillian Michaels: 30 Day Shred

9 Aug

I love truthful advertising. Not 15 minutes have passed since I completed workout number 1, and I am confident that I have shredded.

“Awesome!” You might say. “A workout with instant results!”

Oh yes, my friend. I have shredded:

  • My quads
  • My butt
  • My shoulders
  • My biceps
  • My abs
  • Whatever that little muscle is in your shin that – when shredded – leads to shin splints
  • And these shorts

Soooo glad 'bitch' isn't available on old, tube TVs

70% success rate. 93% did-someone-just-rub-bacon-grease-on-my-face rate. 100% I-will-be-so-sore-I-can’t-move-enough-to-turn-off-my-alarm-and-will-lie-in-physical-and-auditory-agony-until-either-my-landlord-comes-in-or-my-cat-eats-my-body-for-nourishment rate.

That said, if I am not cat food by tomorrow evening, the plan is to shred again. Should I be saucy and try stage 2?

Namaste bitches!

Dance Off the Inches: Country Line Dance

9 Aug

[turns off the video at “holster hands”]