Archive | July, 2010

Exercise Can Beat Arthritis

19 Jul

This week’s vid pic: Exercise Can Beat Arthritis. Although each time I want to say, “Exercise Can Beat Arthritis!!!!” Eureka! That’s a major medical breakthrough; why be all nonchalant about it?

Blue ribbon for representing the actual workout

Suspicion that I am actually in my mid-50s: confirmed.

Suspicion that I prefer to workout sitting down: confirmed.

Suspicion that I can cure arthritis: well…I’m definitely not sitting here feeling all arthritis-y now, so you tell me.

I need to back-up for a moment and share the video description:

Physical therapist Valerie Sayce of Australia’s Arthritis Foundation of Victoria developed this easy-to-follow regimen designed to reduce pain, increase motion, strengthen muscles and joints, and boost energy for arthritis sufferers. And the best part? Each low-impact, aerobic movement has been designed for exercisers of any age — the perfect choice for seniors in search of a kinder, gentler approach to physical fitness.

Well heck! I could use a kinder, gentler approach to physical fitness after Bollywood hell. Here’s what this video is really like c/o another round of alternate video names:

  • Exercise Can Beat Arthritis: This is what passes as working-out these days?
  • Exercise Can Beat Arthritis: Because you thought working-out and eating cannoli at the same time was impossible.
  • Exercise Can Beat Arthritis: Why can’t I spell ‘arthritis’ correctly on the first try? Every goddam time….
  • Exercise Can Beat Arthritis: And then you can beat your friends in a quilting death match.

Speaking of death matches, I gotta go.

Namaste bitches!


The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa

16 Jul




And you thought Gilad was bad

Doesn’t Hemalayaa look so kind and inviting here? “Come. Come and dance with us. It will be different than what you’re used to, but it will be fun and relatively easy. Yayyyyyyyyyy.” [shake shake shake] Yeahno.

The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa was a complete disaster…for me. Things I thought I could but now know I cannot do:

  • Shimmy my hips for 50 minutes straight. (It would be pointless and probably not very fun, but I would have guessed that I could do it.)
  • Turn around in a circle and then turn around in a circle the other way, over and over.
  • Shrug my shoulders in time with music.
  • Smile while working out. (We did mouth/face stretches to get ready to smile…seriously.)
  • And finally, I could not do this video a second time. (For the record: I did change into my workout clothes the last 3 evenings in anticipation of doing this workout again but was physically incapable of turning on my DVD player.)

Yes, this video was dumb…and hard…but mostly because it was dumb. Yeah, that’s it: hard ’cause it’s dumb….

60% overall completion. 1 glass of wine imbibed while waiting for a more reasonable section to resume working-out.

What’s more: Hemalayaa doesn’t even narrate her video live while she’s doing the workout like all the other slave drivers, oh no. She dubs in her voice with the instructions! WTF? If you’re not going to have the common courtesy of talking while working-out, then I’m not going to workout at all. So there.

Namaste bitches!

Quick Toning: Abs & Buns of Steel II

12 Jul

Yeah…it’s been about a week since my last workout. Yeah…I thought I was hot shit during Abs & Buns of Steel workout #1. Yeah…I was uber-delayed sore after that.

Hurting muscles played by Kirk Cameron

While I bounced-back from sore #1 last week quickly, I already feel sore #2 and I just finished workout #2 10 minutes ago. This cannot be good. This is surely a sign of muscle apocalypse. This is the second coming of workout-Jesus, and my muscles are going to be Left Behind. The sun is going to blow-up and it will incinerate everything except my hurting muscles.

Preemptive Advils: eaten. Do I think they’re going to do any good? No.

Foot digitally enhanced to censor crotch exposure

Muscle apocalypse aside, I need to say a few words about Tamilee.

First, I have to admit she is my favorite workout personality thus far: not too gushy, not too slave-driver.

That said, this woman is the vanguard of obscene workout outfits. I’m sure she has a walk-in closet full of thong unitards…and unitards are tiny! Have you ever seen a thong unitard? It’s like she’s wearing a baby one-sie with a belt. We’re talking full ass exposure, people!

So here are the subsequent wardrobe questions:

  • Where does she buy these body-shaped latex balloons?
  • Do the balloons come with belts, or do you have to buy them separately?
  • Does she wear leg-colored leggings underneath? (If she does, they’re miraculously realistic.)
  • If she doesn’t wear leggings, she is very confident that she won’t have a wardrobe malfunction…especially given what she’s doing. I guess that’s not a question. Okay: if she’s not wearing leggings, what the hell is going on? Perfect bikini wax, a tan and unitard duct tape? There’s no way…no way.

Well, that’s it for tonight kids.

Namaste bitches!

Quick Toning: Abs & Buns of Steel

6 Jul

Hey, remember the Fourth of July? Hmmmm…didn’t think so. Well, remember earlier in the day when the burgers and beer went down oh so sweetly, but you started to suspect that you might regret it the next day? Yeah, I thought so. Just like the Fourth’s burgers and beer, this week’s video – Quick Toning: Abs & Buns of Steel – went down suspiciously easy.

Abs, Program 1: check plus. Nearly 100% success rate…minus the pesky aerobics-esque warm-up.

Buns, Program 1: just a check. This woman can do freakish amounts of squats. I think she was just trying to wedge her thong leotard further up her steely buns.

Like I said: suspiciously easy. What horrors await me tomorrow?

Me tomorrow

I’m going to take a shot a re-writing this video’s intro, prior to tomorrow’s pain. Let’s see if I call it!

“You can have hurt-ier, pulled-ier abs and gorgeous ice-pack-treated buns! Feel the exercises tearing apart every abdominal muscle, sending you straight for the Ben & Jerry’s.”

Namaste bitches!