Archive | June, 2010

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Power Squad Bod: Calorie Blasting Dance II

29 Jun

I did everything in my power today to suck at this video:

  • I tried to get sucked into Facebook.
  • I ate a grilled cheese sammich.
  • And I drank 3 glasses of wine. (Whatever. Your mom’s a lush.)

And did I suck at it? No. In fact, I did the bonus abs feature as a warm-up. A WARM-UP! Remember how that dude in District 9 turned into an alien? I fear that I am slowly turning into one of those workout people. I guess I should be thankful that it doesn’t include growing lobster claws.

Couldn't find a lobster arm photo, but you get the point

To add insult to injury, I even did the cheerleadery dance moves better today…except the body/rib cage roll thing; I still look like I have a beetle in my shirt and am freaking-out.

As much as I don’t wish any more Gilad on myself, methinks the next video best take it up a notch….

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Power Squad Bod: Calorie Blasting Dance

28 Jun

Apparently, I am not winning the Sweatband Champion of the Year award. Apparently, my dreams of a concave butt and abs is a pipe dream. Apparently, working-out 3 times a week is too much for me, soooooooooooooo….

New rule: just do the damn videos as much as possible. Okay? Okay.

…but enough about that. We need to discuss something much more important. We need to discuss how – after too many off days – I just completed the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Power Squad Bod: Calorie Blasting Dance at a 99% success completion rate. I am alarmed, yet pleased – similar to how I imagine I’d feel if I lost a ton of weight because I had a tapeworm.  *JD 😉

Easier than the kids' workout video...serious

Did I stumble upon an unknown talent?

Did I miss my calling?

Should I quit my job, move to Dallas and try-out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders?

Mmmmmmm no. But I would feel pretty damn confident if I were to go to some sporting event, drink some beers and yay/boo from my seat. Thank you Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!

In all seriousness though, I just sexy-walked, timeout-tapped, party-waved, bump & popped, bounce & grooved, mak attacked and runway-walked for 36 minutes straight – all while maintaining the recommended level of sassiness – with nary an error. Did they teach the moves in slow-mo? Yes. Was their instruction excellent? Yes. Did I still look like I was having walking-convulsions? Yes. In my world, this still falls under the cause-for-alarm category. Next thing you know, I’ll be able to do this:

Not okay

Pretty sure this falls under the same category as snakes un-hinging their jaws to eat eggs:

Not okay

So it is with pouty lips and sassy hips that I go to bed this evening, in order to sleep-off the cheerleader that ails me. If you see me around this week with luxurious hair and a spray tan, please hose me off and point me towards my house. I’m fairly sure this will wear off…hopefully.

Jane Fonda Collection: Fun House Fitness (Day 2)

17 Jun

Day/attempt 2: “Fun House Funk” (ages 7 and up)

Hiya kids! How about another round of alternate workout names today?

Ah - zee elusive French Braid. Shy, yet extremely dangerous.

  • Fun House Funk: Hunt for the Perfect French Braid
  • Fun House Funk: Motivating Distracting you with 80s Nostalgia Clips since 1990
  • Fun House Funk: Easy-Peasy Circuit Training Combined with the Fastest 80s Cheese-Choreography Ever
  • Fun House Funk: You May Think You’re Working-Out…Buuuuuuuuuut I’m Not Sure Y’Are

This is surely the workout of the gods. Think about it: would the gods spend a whole hour sweating their asses off on the deck of an amphibious assault ship? Or, would they lean back, relax, throw a few neon-80s lightning bolts and watch kids getting slimed? That’s what I thought.

Circuit training = easy and awesome.

Light-speed 80s cheese choreography = me worky-outy < me gawky.

Between the gawking and my taking a phone call from a friend, I probably performed at 75% today…but I totally woulda kicked ass if I actually tried to complete the workout.

So the question is: do I do the ages 3-7 workout for day 3, or do I do the 7+ workout again? Question…of…the ages.

Namaste bitches!

Jane Fonda Collection: Fun House Fitness (Day 1)

16 Jun

Does anyone have Jane Fonda’s address? I need to send her a Hickory Farms Deluxe Signature Sausage & Cheese Gift Box, because this week’s video is totally rad. I present for your pleasure: Jane Fonda Collection: Fun House Fitness!

Yes, THAT "Fun House!"

This video contains 2 workouts filmed on the set of the late-80s kids’ game show Fun House – which was a complete surprise; I thought Jane was just trying to fun things up with a catchy name. Don’t let me mislead you though: Miss Fonda doesn’t actually lead these workouts, she leaves that up to Fun House host J.D. Roth. However, she makes a quick cameo in a glorious leopard-print leotard to introduce the program.

Day/attempt 1: “Swamp Stomp” workout for kids ages 3-7

I like workouts with a premise, much like Richard Simmons’ “Pops Soda Shop: we’re all spontaneously dancing!” thing. This workout starts with J.D. and the cast of kids sitting around all bummed because a jungle grew in front of the entrance to the Fun House, and they can’t get in. In order for the jungle to allow them access to the Fun House, they need to learn the dances of several animals and string them all together to complete the “Stomp Swamp” dance. Enter:

  • Some crazy jungle princess (read: fitness instructor) who knows and can call all the animals in the jungle that can teach their respective “Swamp Stomp” dances
  • Barbie the kangaroo, who hops and waves
  • Penelope the penguin, who waddles and does hip circles
  • [Some name – couldn’t catch it to save my life], the widow spider, who does the crab walk and sit-ups
  • A magical, soothing water break…during which you don’t see anyone actually drink any water
  • Rizzie the flamingo, who flaps and walks in circles
  • Your permission to not complete the workout if you’re tired…seriously
  • Frida the frog, who does squats
  • Some big ape that apparently smells like bananas, who does the monkey (naturally) and some push-ups
  • The same actor, fitness technician, club kid playing a lizard, who slithers
  • Zooey the zebra, who taps and shakes

Oh yeah, and all the animals have their own fancy costumes and theme songs.

They string all that crap together, and the doors of the Fun House magically open. The cast is rewarded with the opportunity to run the Fun House course, while the viewers are punished by being asked to run in place, fake crawl…basically pantomime along with the kids that actually get to have fun. I would be pissed, but after a short cool-down, they reward us all with Fun House greatest hits/bloopers = a bunch of kids being doused in food, slime, etc.

Anyway, 90% move completion. Check-plus.

Namaste bitches!

Gilad: Elite Forces Fat Burning Workout (Days 2 & 3)

14 Jun

* Please accept this out-of-shape writer’s apologies for combining the post for days 2 and 3 of this vomit-inducing workout; I had to do the funeral/out-of-town guest thing this past weekend.

Day/attempt 2

It's important to stay hydrated!

Blame it on Advil therapy.

Blame it on wine (both pre- and post-workout).

Blame it on my opting-out of between-set “jumping-rope” and things like doing lunges WHILE doing arm weight work (Why, Gilad, why?), but I was feeling more generous towards Gilad after workout 2. I also low-impact-ized the other moves, so day 2s workout was more manageable than day 1. Cheating aside, I completed about 70% of the moves.

Day/attempt 3

I definitely don't have the normal muscle....

Is it possible for muscles to atrophy due to overuse? Because I’m pretty sure I atophied my thigh muscles. Muscle fail. 50% completion. This video should come with some sort of warning sticker. WARNING: MAY CAUSE MUSCLE ATROPHY! Geriatric condition win.

That said, there are some serious issues that need to be addressed:

  • Prior to the workout, the captain of the aircraft carrier gets to say a few words about his ship. Most notably, we weren’t working-out on an aircraft carrier, we were working-out on an “amphibious assault ship.” He did not mention that the assault was going to be on your body.
  • Richard Simmons is to caring about you as Gilad is to: A) wanting to see your kneecap bust out of your leg and knock something expensive and breakable off a shelf while you’re lunging, B) laughing in his sleep over the fact that people buy his torture system with cash money, C) perfectly fine with you feeling inferior to his crew of aliens, or D) all of the above. I’ll give you one guess.
  • This workout is set to crappy techno music. I did mention vomit-inducing above; I wasn’t kidding.
  • Finally, this workout is spliced with shots of other ships and video clips of helicopters and planes taking-off/landing. Because nothing is more motivating than the sheer, terrifying power of the US military.

Consider these areas for improvement, Gilad. Better luck next time.

Gotta admit: I am not sad to see this one go.

Namaste bitches!

Gilad: Elite Forces Fat Burning Workout (Day 1)

8 Jun

Pop quiz: what is the exact opposite of Sweatin’ to the Oldies?

Answer: combining “martial arts moves, calisthenics and plyometrics [whatever the hell they are] to help improve your endurance, strength and range of motion”…on the deck of an aircraft carrier. That’s right kids; in the spirit of keeping things fresh sweaty, this week’s vid pic is Gilad: Elite Forces Fat Burning Workout!


This week’s initial impressions shall take form of alternate video names:

  • Elite Forces: relive the sandwich you ate for lunch
  • Elite Forces: workout with aliens disguised as humans that didn’t bother to research realistic levels of human strength
  • Elite Forces: because you thought testicles were only for the gents
  • Elite Forces: you may as well eat Advil for breakfast
  • And my personal favorite: The Devil is Real and his Name is Gilad

I hate this video. I hate Gilad. I hate aircraft carriers…and I hate all boats by association. Today’s move completion/success rate: 45%…optimistically. I’m okay with doing a little step-touch in between my sets, but Gilad’s all, like, “Oh no: we ‘jump rope’ in between sets.” Stupid Gilad.

One last alternate name: Elite Forces: how to give yourself a Charlie Horse in 55 minutes.

Namaste bitches!

Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2 (Day 3)

7 Jun

Day 3: Simmons Complete! Barely.

Perhaps it was because I ate dinner right before working-out, or perhaps it was because I was hungover tired after a busy weekend, but I sucked it up tonight. After yesterday’s workout glory, I only did 73% of the moves correctly today. That crazy Simmons just moves too darn quickly!

To be perfectly honest, I am sad to see my new Sweatin’ cast-member friends go.

Over-zealous lady in blue's doppelganger

I will miss you, over-zealous, Rosie-O’Donnell-coiffed lady in blue.

I will miss you, ethnic lady in pink, who got to sing a couple verses of Big Girls Don’t Cry. (Why oh why was this song chosen for this video? That’s just mean.)

I will miss you, worst-Elvis-impersonator-in-the-world “band” member. Your black T, black leather pants and slicked-back blond hair almost had me fooled…almost.

And I think I will miss you most of all, Scarecrow Richard Simmons. I don’t know how you do it, but the way you look into the camera that makes it seem like you’re looking me directly in the eye did not go unnoticed, oh no. Your move where we high-step and slap our knees practically made me shriek with delight. And the way you yell things like “daddy…Daddy…DADDY!” during sexy Fever stretching were not lost on me.

Classic "welcome" arms...and 80s geometric shapes

If I didn’t have something mind-blowing lined-up for you guys, I would sweat to the oldies for a month.

Namaste bitches!