More kettlebell torture and some easy-ass yoga

30 Jan

OK, so here are my excuses for not attending a kettlebell class this week:

  • Kettlebells officially win as most persistent soreness. I wasn’t back to normal until Thursday! (I couldn’t sit down; it was more like dropping into a seated position.)
  • I was considering going to the Thursday class, but I didn’t want to be too sore for my Saturday personal training session.
  • …basically I was chicken shit.

On the plus side, I did do Favorite Video once this week. Not great…but not too shabby either. (Can you hear the justification?)

Anyway, I didn’t punk-out on the personal training session yesterday. I’m not sure, but I think the trainer was trying to punish me for not coming to a class. She had me start-out with a gazillion Turkish Get-Ups (and adding the kettlebell to the mix) and made me do a million squats, ass-to-the-ground style…soooooo looooooooooooooow.

When I left, my legs hurt so bad I could hardly walk to the car. In fact, I caught a girl gawking at my winced-face limping from a parked car.

The face I was making as I walked to the car...if I were a monkey

This time, it appears the aftermath consists of the same extreme leg soreness as last time plus a touch of lower back soreness. I just did this video:

…to try to remedy the situation. It was the easiest yoga ever and I feel exactly the same. I call false advertising shenanigans!

Anyway, the kettlebell instructor gave me “homework” to do squats and Turkish Get-Ups at home and also asked that I try to make it to a class this week. Taking bets now to see whether or not that’s going to happen.

Namaste bitches!

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RIP Jack Lalanne, the original sweatband champion

23 Jan

The Kettlebell Experiment: Day 1…technically 2

23 Jan

I bought a deal for 3 personal training sessions and one month of classes at a kettlebell studio…let’s call it out of morbid curiosity. First personal training session was yesterday and lemme tell you: I am in a world of hurt.

In case you don’t know anything about kettlebell workouts, you’re basically lifting one of these beasts:

Kettlebells, certainly a type of medieval torture equipment

…like this:

Standard swing

…and this:

This is called "The Turkish Get-up"...seriously

…and some other ways.

The Good

  • Workouts are only 30 minutes…which is just about as long as my will to workout lasts.
  • Workouts also cover the cardio department…which is my least favorite department.
  • Workouts are done in bare feet…which is my favorite type of feet. (The guy above is doing it ALL wrong.)
  • Apparently, I “have good movement” and “will be easy to teach.” My rigorous workout video training is actually doing some good!
  • The trainer gave me some spicy, toasted pumpkin seeds at the end. Score!

The Bad

  • You guys know my stance on working-out: it’s better done at home. Unfortunately, I’ve gone public with this kettlebell experiment. I don’t mind the personal training part so much but apparently the class sizes are uber-small, which means that everyone there will no doubt be silently laughing at me. (Like they’re going to be concerned with their own workout – pshaw!)
  • At the end of the session when the trainer was trying to teach me the Turkish Get-Up, I could already feel my thighs start to mush-ify.

The Ugly

  • Today. It’s excruciating. Every single muscle in my butt and thighs feels like it has a flesh-eating beetle bored into it.

The worst part is that I thought I was going to be relatively in the clear. I walked home from the studio and thought that in the process I walked-off the sore. I WAS *OH* SO WRONG. On the plus side, only my legs and ass are sore…or at least if other parts are sore, they are so eclipsed by the ass-leg pain that I can’t notice.

I have another personal training session scheduled for next Saturday and I’m planning on taking the Thursday night class. Uff-dah. My plan of action is to drink a lot of wine today and to do my favorite video a few times between now and then to try to work the hurt off.

Namaste bitches!

Ffffffffffffff… (wince-face w/breathing in though my teeth)

20 Jan

Fffffffffffffffffff…aaaaaaaaaaah…I got something to say…and please don’t be mad!

I’ve been cheating on you. Behind your back I’ve been doing the Crunch: Super SlimDown video. (Eek – there, I said it!)

Fffffffff...yeah I kinda like this one

Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I actually like doing it quite a bit and was worried that once you knew, it would have to come to an end.

This video is the whole Goldilocks-and-the-Three-Bears package:

  • Not too hard, not too easy
  • Not too short, not too long
  • Not too cheesy, but just-right cheesy

Really anything you could want in a workout video…but not too amusing to write about. (How can I bash something I luuuurve? Well, as much as one can lurve working-out, that be.)

But DON’T WORRY! I’ll continue to try new things – probably some that I despise and/or liquefy my muscles – like we arranged. In fact, this weekend I have my first personal training session in a kettle bell studio. If I can lift my fingers after that, be sure to watch for a most-likely amusing post.

Namaste bitches!

I need a crush on a dead guy like I need a hole in my head

10 Jan

Yeah you heard me. Crush. Dead guy.

David Carradine.

Yup: old dead guy.

This week’s vid pic is David Carradine’s Chi Energy Workouts for Beginners, and you wanna know what? Carradine doesn’t act like that guy; he is that guy. Let me ask you a question regarding your workouts. Who do you trust more with your body: David Carradine or Richard Simmons? Ah? Ah?

This:

Or this:

That’s what I thought. If someone is going to tell me to “gently close the anal sphincter” (and I swear to god, that’s in there) I want it to be a kung fu master. If someone is going to teach me moves that alleviate digestive problems such as diarrhea (also in there – Tai Pepto?), I want it to be someone who has been fictitiously killed by Uma Thurman.

More on why I love David Carradine fun facts:

  • Do you realize that Carradine was in his 70s when he died? 70s. He looked better than some 40-year-olds I know!
  • Not only was Carradine a kung fu master AND and actor AND a fitness instructor, but he also was an artist, writer and musician…and I’m not just talking about that wood flute thingy. Check this out. In fact, this week’s vid pic includes 4 songs from his album in the special features. I’m listening to them right now, in fact.
  • He wears colorful, satin, kung fu master pajamas while he tai chi-s.

But enough about that.

There are just three things that need to be said about this video today, as there are both tai chi and qui gong workouts on this DVD – I’ll pit them against each other in my next post.

  1. While Carradine’s outfit is rad, the other guys are forced to wear polos and slacks. C’mon!
  2. Is it possible to nap and workout at the same time? …’cause I’m pretty sure I did!
  3. The whole team is standing in front of a giant green screen, and you get to enjoy fabulous nature scenes throughout the entire workout.

Namaste bitches!

Da da da daaaaa! Introducing: the Gadget Corner

7 Jan

As I promised, I am proud to present a new feature here at Sweatband Champion: the Gadget Corner! And our first equipment review is….

The Sweatband

My rigorous testing of The Sweatband

The Sweatband was a gift I received from a faithful reader. (Thanks JH!)

While you’ll enjoy The Sweatband’s classic black coloring and sleek design, the comfort-level of the device is fairly low; the device fits pretty snug and therefore slooches your eyebrows together and down when worn correctly. No one else was on-site to verify this, but I’m pretty sure The Sweatband will make you look angry and/or constipated. Be sure to use discretion when using the device in public.

Functionally, the  device works AOK 100% – no sweat in the eyes for this girl!*

* The research for this will need to be duplicated, as the initial testing was to the tune of the Miracle of Life workout, during which little/no sweat was generated.

On a scale of 1-10, The Sweatband receives an 8.

Creepiest video yet…and it’s knocked-up!

4 Jan

In honor of my holiday food baby, this week’s vid pic is Miracle of Life: Pregnancy Workout.

Even the cover looks creepy

I have seen some creeeeepy workout videos in my day, but this video takes the creep cake!

I’ll get to the creepiness in a moment, but I need to say one thing first: not only is doing the grapevine, like, the hardest thing ever, but if you throw even one minuscule hand/arm motion in the grapevine mix I am going to end-up looking like this:

Seriously, I do. While Fitness Instructor Gloria and the prego workout minions in this video seem to be able to do such complex choreography without going into labor, I look like the clown in this video. (This is one of many very legit reasons why I do not workout in public.) They should really put some sort of warning on the box about this.

OK! On to Rosemary’s Baby Miracle of Life’s creepiness:

5. There are cartoon storks, teddy bears, etc. that wash the screen into a new segment.

4. This workout includes several sets of Kegel exercises to – and I quote – “help to stop the urine.”

3.The prego workout minions look VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, fake-smile-when-you-meet-your-friends’-parents-as-a-kid uncomfortable. They keep zooming in on their faces, and behind their fake smiles you can see fear. It looks like they are being forced to do the video by some pervert. Fitness Instructor Gloria doesn’t seem to catch on to the fact that everyone is in danger though.

2.The last section of this video is relaxation. This is not yoga-eque meditation, oh no; this is pillows-under-the-head-and-between-the-knees relaxation. While I would normally applaud this sort of “workout,” this relaxation included such things as:

  • Teddy bears and other stuffed animals surrounding the pregos.
  • Fitness Instructor Gloria told us to “Imagine your baby, floating in its own little world.” Ewwww….
  • And so on and so forth.

1. At the end of said relaxation section, they zoom in on Fitness Instructor Gloria’s face. She looks down lovingly at the 2 prego workout minions…first to the left, then to the right…then looks back at the camera. An awkward amount of time passes as she stares at you, and then SHE CRIES REAL TEARS OUT OF BOTH EYES! What?!

Namaste bitches!